What To Do When The Pain In Your Past Leads To Pain In Your Present Episode 9


Have you ever heard the saying “hurt people hurt people”? That saying has never been truer for anyone than MeLissa Gayle. 

Everywhere we go, no matter where we go, we are surrounded by people carrying around the pain from their past and transferring that pain into their present lives. In this episode, learn exactly what to do when the pain in your past leads to severe and recurring pain in your present.

You don’t have to live in a place of hurt, fear and pain forever. You can be healed. You can be brave. Your life can change.



Full Transcript Below


Dee: Today in the studio we have another fantastic guest who has gone through so much. She has really gone through some obstacles in her life. She has been through abuse. 

She has been through the wringer and back, and yet in spite of all of that, she has managed to not only run a very successful Facebook group, but is also in the process of writing and publishing her very own novel. Hey MeLissa, why don’t you tell us more about yourself? 


MeLissa: Hello. Thank you so much for having me on the show. I appreciate it. So, you know my story, you’re right- a lot of tragedy did time. You know, I kind of told my story and a lot of people may even know me. I struggled with sexual abuse from the ages of 2 to 25 and suffered horrible abuse. With that came a lot of ramifications and a lot of problems in my adult life. 

Unfortunately in my scenario, in my situation, I was one of the people that blocked out all the trauma. So while I did want to commit suicide and I was very depressed, on the outside, my life was pretty good. My parents were together. We went to church on Sundays. We went to vacations every summer, sometimes a couple of vacations and a pretty normal middle-class American life.

I was the middle child of three girls and we’re still really close-knit family today. However, on the inside, I knew that there was something different about me and the only thing that I knew for sure in my life was that I wanted to die and I knew God. I remember praying to Him whenever I was probably in kindergarten, you know just take me back up with you because I can’t do this life.

Again on the outside, everything looked really good and I continued to struggle with my depression and my parents took me into therapy trying to figure something out and nothing was really coming out. So they really just came to the conclusion that I had middle child syndrome and I just do this because I want attention.

With no other proof, to prove anything different I grew up believing that I actually wanted to kill myself for attention because I was the middle child. 


Dee: Oh, wow, that is super heavy for all of us so far and I really understand that you’ve been through so much and you always were happy on the outside. But I do have one question before we even dive into your story. I always ask my guests a silly question and I wanted to ask you, what is something that people seem to misunderstand about you?


MeLissa: Something that people misunderstand about me is that my life has always been this good or that, you know, things come to me easily or that things come to me easily or that I was just built to be able to handle hard things unlike other people and that’s just not true. Every single day that we live is a choice.

I’ve lived a lot of days alive but not living. Okay, so there’s a huge difference and being alive and living and I went through the motions of life for decades even in my adult life once I was able to kind of get around this trauma that had happened in my life as these things started to present themselves and I could start making sense of who I am as a person and why I do the things that I do.

I started learning how I tick and I went on to raise kids and because I had not healed all of that trauma, I got into co-dependent relationships. I was too dependent on my children. It led to a lot of unhealthy relationships all around this belief system of unworthiness.

Today, I’m an NLP practitioner. It’s a Neuro-linguistic Programming Practitioner and I help people rewire those belief systems and it really starts by taking down the scaffolding of events. So, you know people are like well, yeah, I never had anything like that happen to me MeLissa and I get it. That’s that’s wonderful. 

But when you’re the worst pain in your life and you’re on your knees and you’re crying out or you just want to cover your head up with the covers and you don’t want to come out, I don’t care if it’s because you were raped or because you just lost your kid or because you just lost your mom, which is going to happen to us all at some point. I don’t care because that pain feels the same.

And for us to sit there and judge it from one side to the other and say that our pain was more or their pain was more, it doesn’t help anybody, but we do have to do and what we’re responsible for because hurt people hurt people.

And that was my biggest lesson was that as much of a loving person as I was and am. And still to the states to my court as who I am as that I absolutely love people and I don’t want people to go through the pain that I’ve gone through in my life and I want to help people. That’s been consistent since I was a child and but the problem was I had so much unhealed trauma and hurt people hurt people. 


Dee: So you had a lot of trouble from your childhood and I’d really like to hear more about a story. Like where did you grow up? And what exactly was your childhood like for you?


MeLissa: So, my childhood, for me, I didn’t remember a lot. I don’t remember a lot but I do remember crying a lot. I remember being really upset. I remember being depressed. I remember not knowing why. I have flashbacks of the abuse that happened; the worst of it. I had a gun shot off near my head when I was nine. So, some really horrific things happened. 

However, I didn’t even know that about myself till I was 22 and I started having flashbacks. At that point in my life, I’ve got a three-year-old son that needs my attention and I’m having flashbacks of being 9 years old.

So something had to be done immediately because I needed to save myself and so I went into intensive talk therapy and it definitely has its place. I think there are faster ways of healing and I wished I would have gotten to that point in my life sooner but I didn’t and so what I do get to do is shout my story from the rooftops and say, you know what, you can have a different life and you can heal yourself now before you hurt other people. 

My life goal is to end trauma on a global scale, one family at a time and to do that we have to heal ourselves. If everyone would just be responsible for healing themselves the world would heal. Because we are the world. We really are.


Dee: That is so true. I do find that there are so many people out there who are hurting, who are you in so much pain, and because they are in so much pain their only like reaction, their only answer is to hurt other people. And you’re right. If people could be healed and be healed completely, this world would be a better place.


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MeLissa: And it comes down to this. If you’re not healed person then you’re wearing a mask and if you’re wearing a mask into things can’t happen. You can’t love and you can’t be loved, because even if someone is loving you, you on the inside know that they don’t love you, but they love your representative. Therefore you do not get to truly feel loved. You also do not get to love anyone else truly because for your authentic person to be able to love you would have to show that person, which you’re not going to do, because you’re not even you since you have not even found you. 

You don’t even know what you want or what your core needs are or how you need to be taken care of, let alone be able to show anyone else what you need or how to treat you.

Walking around we don’t even know ourselves and wonder why our lives aren’t working out. We don’t have what we want and we’re miserable because we don’t even know what we want and God forbid we ask ourselves what we what; because that would be selfish. Come on, it doesn’t match up. It is no way to live. At least it was no way to live for me. When I finally started saying yes to life, I can tell you that my entire life opened up. The story is so long that I wouldn’t really be able to narrow it down. 

But then, I went from there and into another codependent relationship and gained two stepchildren that I raised. They were two and three when I got them and when they were in ninth and tenth grade, even after my husband and I split up, I continued to take care of these girls. 

I was really the only mom that they knew at that point and I had made some promises to them that I intended to keep, and so when we split up I continue to take care of them because I was able to.


Dee: So what are some specific roadblocks that you faced throughout that time that other people who might be in similar situations should watch out for?


MeLissa: When my ex-husband came and picked up the girl on the last day of school when they were in the 9th and 10th grade, my life fell apart. That was when I said it was either give up time or live. So the pitfall is to give up, and we can always do that at any time. But what you do is you pick yourself back up after that. 

I remember crying on my bed and the one thing that I did was I had written out a life plan, and I suggest everyone doing that. What do you want in the four core areas of your life? Business? Relationships? Spiritual, mental and physical, and one thing that I wanted to do was to travel. Right now I am sitting here at White Sands which is why might the service is a little bad. I’m on a thirty-day road trip across America. In the past 18 months, I’ve driven 60,000 miles across three different countries- hiking, islands mountains, stayed five days in the ocean.

I trekked across France. I went from Toronto to Vancouver three different times and I’m here to tell you that you can go from the worst of your life absolutely, to the best of your life by making a decision, and by going in and healing your trauma.

Not only can you have everything, but it’s also absolutely one hundred per cent your responsibility to do that. 


Dee: Throughout your pilgrimage, you have travelled over 60,000 miles. That is so much further than most people will ever go in their lives and that is amazing. But what are some of the lessons that you’ve learned throughout that pilgrimage that you want to share with others? 


MeLissa: Well, one, No matter where you go, there you are. You cannot run from your pain. You can only go through it. You still have to heal it. Healing is not a destination. It is a journey.

As you continue to grow in your life and level up in your life. You’re going to continue to bump up against yourself. Instead of judging that, look at it objectively and say, okay here’s the obstacle.

What is working? What is not working right now at this moment? Learn about yourself. Learn what motivates you. Figure out your highest intention in this life and then use that as a filter for everything that you do.

Stay in your passion every single day and the energy money will follow you. When you start living your life, the lessons that will come to you will be exactly what you need at the exact right time. But God can not drive a parked car.

We have to move. Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll still get run over if you don’t move. We have to keep moving forward in life even if it’s just baby steps. I had a coach one time that told me, that her healing at one point was to go get sunshine for 5 minutes a day because she was in so much pain. Today she helps thousands of people. 

Don’t discount the little things that you’re doing in your life to make yourself better. Small things done consistently over a long period of time or going to produce massive results in your life. I’m living proof of it. I’m sure you are too.


Dee: Amen to that. There were sometimes when I was going through some stuff and I was like, you know what, taking a walk for 5 minutes everyday cleared my mind and made me feel so much better. 

So I completely relate to just getting some sunshine, to just doing one thing that makes you feel better. And I mean just be outside environment, not being in the house, not being cooped up, not having to sit down with my thoughts, and being outside, getting her to know nature and walking away from my issues, actually made me feel so much better.

It’s still something that I do today where I get up sometimes and I go for a walk just to clear my head. Going for a walk, simple things, as you said, can make you feel so much better.


MeLissa: It’s one of the easiest things to do. Motion creates emotion. If you don’t like the way that you’re feeling, the fastest way to get out of that is to change your state. Go on a walk. Get in a yoga pose. Take some deep breaths. 

Try and ground yourself. Take a shower. Do something quickly. Always come back and process your feelings. But sometimes we have to be able to continue to go on with life and figuring out how to get over your past while still living your life, that is my specialty. That is what I’ve been able to master.


Dee: That is incredibly important because there are so many women out there who need your help and I love that you specialize in really helping women to get through the trauma, to get through the hard times that they’ve been going through. I also know you have been through many many hard times in your adulthood, in your childhood and I wanted to ask you- how did you really pick yourself up after you lost absolutely everything in your life? 


MeLissa: At that point, I still had so little self-love and honestly God gave me a vision because when I lost the kids I said, you know what I’m going to go on this journey and it was going to be me and my dog. 

She was 18 months old and I had everything packed on a Friday. We were going to leave on Saturday morning and my dog got sick. So I was waiting for her to get better and she passed away on Monday. I literally had lost everything and I was laying in my bed and at that moment, like I was telling your listeners before, where I was just on my knees and I wanted to just curl up and just die. I just wanted the pain to end. 

Not that I wanted to commit suicide but I just wanted that pain to end so much. I remember God saying, again my car been packed since Friday, and He was like, I put before you life and death. Choose life. And that’s the answer guys. 

We make it more difficult than it is. It’s choosing life, and the biggest reason it is so hard to choose life some times is that we have yet to create the life that we want. We let life choose our living, and most of us have not created the life that we want. 

And even if we were to have created it we never really asked ourselves what we truly want it. So then once we created what it is that we created we don’t like what we have, because we didn’t truly find ourselves and ask ourselves what we want from that space of healing.

From that space of taking down that scaffolding of all the emotions and all the events that happened in our life, that gave us all our belief systems and then start examining all the belief systems. Is this going to help me get to my highest purpose and intention? Will this belief system support me? Because some of our beliefs systems will, and some will wreck our life, and just breathe self-sabotage. It’s our responsibility to get those things down if we are ever to reach that highest intention as to why we were put here on this earth.


Dee: Amen, I absolutely agree with that because a lot of us, grow up with certain beliefs that we either inherited from people or saw work for other people. So we keep adapting those beliefs not knowing that they’re secretly killing us from the inside out.

You are so right when you say that we need to get rid of some of the beliefs that we have grown up with because they don’t serve us and they’re not right for us. 


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MeLissa: Yes 100%. And I can tell you that now, today, my life is just an honour to get to live. It’s an honour to get to walk by women and be able to watch them walk through their healing. At the Intention Academy, the slogan is- Be healed. Be brave. Be the change. Because once you’re healed then the bravery comes and you start walking in your own truth. 

That’s really when we can go out and change the world.


Dee: Be healed. Be brave. Be the change. I absolutely love that and there are so many women that need to hear that they can be healed. They can be brave and they can get the change they so desperately want. I also heard that you are an amazing author. 

Could you tell us a little bit about the book you’re writing?


MeLissa: The Intention Effect is all about this-my life and this story, and how my story is really no different than anyone else’s story. If you show up for yourself and you honour yourself in a way of truly healing yourself. It really is a step-by-step guide of how to get up. Just saying yes to life, and learning how to do that in a big way, and how I was able to do that and the lessons that I learned on that 60,000-mile pilgrimage that I did across those countries. And everything that we’re talking about today. Everything that I talked about, everything in my book is the same thing that I live now. 

I’m headed to the coast right now. I’m out recording the sound of the vibrational frequencies of plants so that I can do it for the background of my meditation series that I’m coming out with. It sounds nerdy to other people but it doesn’t matter. It’s me and your job is to find you and to find what 100% lights you up, and when you do that, you will attract every good thing into your life everything that you need.

Whether that means money, or friendship, or love, acceptance, anything that you need.


Dee: In her book, MeLissa goes into great detail where she shows you how she healed her wounds and rose up as the warrior she is today; scars and all. She truly is the embodiment that even though we are a mess sometimes, in our life lies a powerful message.

I’m telling you to get her book- The Intention Effect when it comes out because I can assure you that it will definitely leave you feeling better, changed, excited and ready to take on the world. So MeLissa, where can our guests connect with you online?


MeLissa: There’s my website at Hope 4 Success- hope4success. Org. You can pre-order a copy of the book there. You can also reach me on my Facebook page- MeLissa Gayle Official, and then we have the Intention Academy group where I am going in there regularly, giving you tips and tricks on how to live a better life, how to say intentional, how to be present, how to manifest the things that you want in your life, how to raise your vibration, and on and on and on.


Dee: I will include all the information in the show notes. But Melissa before you go I have one final question. For all the women out there who are listening to this podcast whether it be now or years from now, is there any wisdom you’d want to pass on to them?


MeLissa: The one thing that I want you to do, and the biggest takeaway is to honour and love yourself. Start there. Every feeling that you feel in your body is just your body trying to communicate with you. Trust that. Feel your feelings. They’re not going to kill you and they will stop if you stop pushing them down. Start there. Love yourself and honour yourself enough today to do that. And the rest of your world will open up to you. I promise you.


Dee: So again, MeLissa has gone through so much in her life yet she has managed to come out on top. And though things aren’t perfect. Things aren’t where she might want them to be but she is on amazing journey. Before I go I want to tell you guys that self-love is a school. 

It is where you will learn everything about yourself and decide to accept you for you. It’s the schooling that really prepares you, like MeLissa said, to recognize true love when it appears. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It has truly moved me and I’m pretty sure it has moved so many people. So do you have anything else to say?


MeLissa: No, thank you so much. I love you all. I don’t know you but I love you. I send love to you and thank you so much for having me today.


Dee: And thank you so much for coming Melissa. It truly has been a pleasure. Like I said for all of you women out there listening. I want you to know to love yourself, approve of yourself and to really get to know your feelings.

Because once you understand how you feel, once you really absorb those feelings, and stop running away from them, you can then use those feelings, those experiences, those lessons in your life as footsteps to move forward and into your future. 


This is Dee and you have been listening to a very interesting episode of She Is A Mess.



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