What To Do When Moving To Another Country Leads To Abuse, Adultery And Divorce Episode 11

Picture this: You find the man of your dreams, get married and move halfway across the world to start a whole new life together. You love him. He loves you. It’s a dream come true. 

What happens when that dream come true becomes a living nightmare? What do you do when moving to another country leads to adultery, abuse and divorce? 

Today Omega Bone shares her story and teaches us a thing or two as she reflects on her journey from those terrifying experiences to where she is today and dreams for her future.

 


 

Full Transcript Below

 

Dee: Today, guys, I am so, so excited to introduce another guest to the show. She has had an interesting life. She has been to a number of places and now she will be sharing her amazing story with us. 

Hi Omega. Oh my gosh, thank you so much for coming. Why don’t you introduce yourself and tell us what superpower would you choose if you could?

 

Omega: Oh, that’s tough. Uh, I guess being able to teleport from one place to another in an instant. My name is Omega and I love travelling, and I love experiencing new cultures, but I hate flying more than anything. The take-off and landing are just terribly upsetting and so if I could go to Indonesia in a second, I would be there right now.

 

Dee: Oh my word. You are my soul sister. I am the same way. Don’t get me wrong. You know, I love travelling, but I wish I didn’t have to use those planes. It’s like every time I get on it, I feel like I’m about to die.

 

Omega: Right. It’s awful. It’s not our business at all.

 

Dee: It really isn’t. They really need to come up with those teleportation booths that you have in the movies so that we can zip that from place to place because these planes just aren’t it. They’re just not my thing. It’s just not our thing.

 

Omega: No, no. It’s not natural. It’s not reasonable. I don’t understand it, but I can’t help but to travel. That’s just what I do. And so like, what am I going to do? I have to suffer through it. But if I could teleport instantly, I would never be in one place longer than a week.

 

Dee: Oh wow. That would be awesome. You know, every week somewhere new. I can see possibilities, but I wanted to come back and ask where did you grow up?

 

Omega: Well, I was born in South Carolina but then we moved to Tennessee when I was maybe one I think. My father was in the army and he was a part of the GI Bill, which is a scholarship program and the usual situation for people that serve in the army.

We then moved to Los Angeles so that my dad could go to school. So primarily I grew up in Los Angeles since the age of four and because my dad is from Guyana in South America, we got to live in the international family student housing at USC, University of Southern California. 

And so I lived next door to a family from Venezuela on the left and on the right, a family from Egypt. My dad’s best friend where Vietnamese. My mom’s best friend was English, and we just had the whole international experience. Being friends with all those people kind of led the way for the rest of my life. There were always kids from all over the world to play with all the time.

 

Dee: So you being the quote-unquote military brat who had to travel to different places, what were some of the struggles that you had as a child growing up?

 

Omega: Well I didn’t have any because once my dad got to school, he stopped his military career. So we were pretty much settled in Los Angeles for the whole time I was in school from kindergarten all the way through high school.

So up until my parents got a divorce when I was in, it was kind of foggy. I think I kind of displaced all of that anger, hurt or confusion. It was somewhere around fourth or fifth grade that my parents split up and, that was hard because he was our main caretaker. 

Since he was in school, he would take us to school, he would pick us up, he would cook for us, and then he was gone. And that was very stressful. Now that I’m an adult, I realized that I’m very much like him. When he left, a big part of my stability was gone. But my mom did the best that she could, being angry or being hurt that her marriage didn’t work out because he kind of pulled us from South Carolina where she’s from and moved us to Los Angeles 

But we had built a family with all of these other international families. We kind of toughed it out. So, yeah it was unnerving for him to be gone. But I think we managed. 

 

Dee: Okay. Okay. So I’ve been lucky to have both of my parents for my entire childhood growing up. But I know that there are many children out there who have or who didn’t have moms or dads. But for you, once your dad left, what kind of went through your mind throughout that whole divorce process? 

 

Omega: I didn’t really understand it. I didn’t think about it because he was the disciplinarian. So, on the one hand, I was glad that he was gone because that meant I wasn’t going to be in trouble anymore and I could kind of sneak around the rules that he had set because he wasn’t there to enforce them. But in our house, it was kind of like my mom and my sister were very similar and I was like my dad.

My mom and my sister, they’re very busy people and they don’t like to be still, but my dad and I, we could sleep a whole weekend and so I would climb in bed with him and we would sleep, just get up to drink water, eat dinner, and then go back to sleep.

Then, my mom and my sister, they would be running the streets shopping or doing whatever they felt they needed to do. I didn’t really think about it that much. All of a sudden he just wasn’t there.

My mother then took me into her camp and just kept me busy. I was in this singing program, and this art program, and this dance program, and I was just always busy after he left. So there wasn’t really time to think about it. 

 

Dee: What was your best childhood memory? 

 

Omega: Um, I think it was my first performance. I was in kindergarten and because we lived on campus, my kindergarten and my preschool were on campus. So when we would have a show or a performance, we would get to use one of the big halls. And I was on stage singing a Canadian folk song, Land Of The Silver Birch, with the rest of my little classmates.

The lights, the audience, the nerves, everything was just magical. I was like, oh, this is me. This is my life. I have to do this every opportunity possible and that’s kind of when I realized I was a singer because that moment was just magic. Absolute magic.

 

Dee: So that dream, that kind of a passion for singing developed from your childhood. Can you tell us more about what your early adulthood life was like, after developing that passion? What happened?

 

Omega: Um, well, in middle school, my mom went to change churches and went to a smaller church where they did classical music. There was an assistant choir director, Richard and I wasn’t really into church before I saw him sing.

I was like, oh my gosh, I have to do whatever I can to get near this man. Like he’s my future. So in high school, I started singing in the choir, and the choir would go on international trips because the choir director was a composer and an arranger. 

They would go every summer. They would be on tour to Japan, to Istanbul. There were all these places that seemed well out of my reach growing up in Los Angeles. So I told the choir director, I wanted to go on his next tour. He was like, baby, you have to learn how to sing in tune first. So he sent me to university and he gave me money to help pay for school and I hated it.

School, university was awful. I was finishing puberty in college and I grew two or three inches and I was just mean and hormonal and just essentially nuts. I and got through all of that. I came back as an adult to find out that Richard was gay and my huge crush was never going to be with me but had I not been just so infatuated with him, I never would have had my career. 

So it worked out. Eventually, I didn’t marry him and make all the babies that I thought I was going to make with him, but he was a great mentor to me. Both of them, Dr McNeil and Richard Jackson were both very supportive of my early career as a singer. I eventually went on tour with Dr McNeil. We went to Brazil and I did an East-Coast tour with them. But then I found my ex-husband, we got married and he took me to Germany. 

 

What To Do When Moving To Another Country Leads To Abuse, Adultery And Divorce 3

 

Dee: So it sounds like even though it didn’t work out the way you hoped it would, everything happened the way it was supposed to. Even though your crush didn’t end up being the guy you were meant to be with, he still led you onto this path that has brought some amazing things into your life and that is awesome. That is really awesome. 

I read and love how sometimes our life just doesn’t go the way we think it’s going to go, but nonetheless, it still brings us to these amazing places and brings these important lessons into our life. I’m really, really glad you were able to see past the disappointment and are now pursuing your path. You mentioned that you met your ex-husband on tour. Can you expand? I’m really curious. What happened there?

 

Omega: Well, actually we didn’t meet on tour, but I met him in that same time period and I used to be super, super Christian. Like I went to my mom’s church and I was in the choir. So on Tuesdays, I would have choir rehearsal with that church.

Then on Wednesdays, I would go to Bishop Jones’s church and I would go to his church for Bible study. And then on Thursday, I would go to his church for choir practice.

One Sunday a month I was at his church from 5:00 AM to 5:00 PM doing four or five services, I went to a Seventh-day Adventist church and I would be there from, I don’t know, about eight o’clock in the morning till like two o’clock in the afternoon because we were rehearsing the music in the morning and then sing for worship service.

I was at prayer service on a Monday at another church. I was in church all the time. Super, super, super Christian. My sister broke her leg and I moved in with her to take care of her because for like four or five months, she couldn’t really get around her apartment.

Next door to her, my ex-husband had just moved in maybe two weeks before she broke her leg and I met him the first day of my master’s program at USC where my dad went for his master’s when we first moved to Los Angeles.

And we became fast friends, he and I, and then it came to a point where I couldn’t really live with my sister any longer because she was mobile and her apartment was really too small for the two of us to live in comfortably.

I didn’t want to move back home with my mother. I didn’t like my master’s program. So I told him, either we move in together or I’m moving to New York because my best friend was begging me to come back to New York. Because he was a dancer and I’m a singer, he was like, this is where you have to make your life and you shouldn’t be in Los Angeles because there’s no theatre in Los Angeles.

You need to be doing Broadway shows. Then I’ll get you my agent and we’ll get you booked, we’ll be living the artist’s life and okay. But I hate being cold, so I wasn’t really that excited about moving to New York and my ex-husband wasn’t excited about me moving to New York either.

So we moved in together and after about a year he got a promotion to head up sales in Germany and so we ran off to Vegas and eloped with my mom, my sister and a few of his friends in Vegas.

We had a cute little ceremony and then a month later we moved to Germany. 

 

Dee: So you moved it to help your sister get better. Then you end up meeting the guy of your dreams at that moment. You got married and you went to a whole other continent, for a new life, essentially. 

 

Omega: We’d only known each other maybe two years when we moved to Germany but I had seen him in a dream and I knew that my life was not going to be in the United States. I knew that.

So when the opportunity came for him to get this promotion, I was like, yeah, this is where we’re going. We’re supposed to be here. Do you think I’m staying here? No, I’m going to Europe and be like Nina Simone and that that was going to be my life. But that’s not what happened…

 

Dee: So as a newlywed, I can’t imagine you getting married and having to adjust to that life as a married couple in a country you’re used to. But what was it like trying to adjust to being married in a brand new country? People? You have no idea what they’re going to be like…

 

Omega: It was terribly frustrating and terribly lonely cause this was in 2002. This is before Skype and Facebook and smartphones. So I was pretty isolated and pretty scared to travel by myself in the city. I couldn’t speak German. So many things about this trip were ridiculous. There was no reason I should have gone, but I knew that that’s where I was supposed to be.

So I just trusted it and had to face that it would just work out, and you know, it worked the way it was supposed to work as all things do. But us being married revealed a lot of things that I didn’t understand or pay attention to while we were dating because I didn’t notice those little things. I thought that I could love him enough for both of us.

I was so in love with him and the notion of me being a traveller and me being married, that I thought that was enough for me to stay married to him. When we were dating in Los Angeles, even before we moved in together, he went ghost and I didn’t hear from him for two or three weeks and even over the Christmas and New Years.

Then he popped up at Valentine’s day and bought me these diamond earrings and I showed my sister, she was like, what did you do? What did he do? Why do you have these diamond earrings? I said, oh, you’re just jealous. He loves me, when in fact they were an apology for dating this other woman and him deciding that he would rather be with me instead; that he was dating me and this other person at the same time, the whole time we were dating before we moved in together. 

But that wasn’t revealed until we were in Germany, or how jealous he could be and how possessive he was. Because I wasn’t busy with singing or church or teaching, which was my whole life and all, I had was to look at him and me and my life and what I was doing. He couldn’t avoid those conversations or those holes in our story. Like why is it that I was at church and you weren’t at church with me? Why was it that there were too many things that didn’t make sense?

I then had time to evaluate. He apologized again. I guess this is like three or four months into our move and he promised that all of that was just him dating and everything was going to be different this time. That now that we’re married, we’re committed to each other and he promised to take care of me and my heart.

 

Dee: And him saying all of that and with trying to make things work, what eventually led to your divorce? 

 

Omega: Um, so fast forward two moves from Dusseldorf, which is in the North of the Western side of Germany, down to Mines, which is near Frankfurt, I got pregnant with my daughter. While I was nursing, when a woman has a baby, you know, all the hormones make everything different and very sensitive. So there were times where I didn’t want to be with him and he got frustrated and he would go and be with someone else and he caught some kind of disease. I was hurt and I was embarrassed and angry.

Actually no, that was for my second year, my second pregnancy that he, that did that, and I couldn’t forgive him and I couldn’t be with him ever again. We had bought a house and now we had two children so I just said, okay, well I’ll sleep here on the second floor with me and the kids, you sleep in the attic where there was a very nice bed and a nice room.

We were in the middle of remodelling and that was not going to fly with him. I was going to be his whole wife or not at all. He became more and more agitated and abusive and eventually he put his hands on me, which, if he hadn’t done that, I would probably still be with him because all the other abusive things that he had done, like screaming and yelling at me and emptying the bank account, and just being really very vicious with me.

I stood for all of it because I was just determined to make my marriage work until he put his hands on me. It wasn’t until then that I realized that all of this terrible behaviour is abuse.

The silent treatment and him hiding the keys to my car or him taking the navigation system out of my car, which is the first thing that allowed me to be independent were all abuse. The fact that as soon as I would get settled in a city, he would find some reason for us to move so that I would be, unstable again, and have to be frightened again, and have to be alone all over again.

All of these little things were him trying to control me and keep me dependent on him and make me feel as little as possible. I never saw myself as a woman that could be abused. Seeing my daughter see me be humiliated on a regular basis was something that I couldn’t stomach him doing. I could stomach it because I’m a strong person, but seeing and giving my children that example that men should treat women this way is not what I want for my son because my son is a very tender, sensitive person.

If he thought that men have to be this rough and aggressive with people, that would break him and I didn’t want that for them. So I had to ask him to leave and that’s when things got really, really awful.

 

Dee: I know that for a person who is just going through a divorce is hard enough; just being by myself going through a divorce. I can’t imagine what it must have been like to have to go through this with your kids. Can you talk about what that was like for you and your children?

 

Omega: Okay, it’s the living death because in Germany in particular, if you don’t want to get divorced, you don’t have to. When I asked him to leave, evidently, he found the best lawyer there was in the city. Every single time there was a letter from his lawyer to my lawyer, I would have to pay like $2,000 for her to respond to that letter, no matter how frivolous it is.

I had to respond to everything and I wasn’t working yet. I had no money. He emptied the bank account. I was left with nothing and because we weren’t divorced, I couldn’t get child support, I couldn’t get alimony and because alimony and child support are determined once the divorce is final, you can just drag it out at any time and have no resolution. 

The stress was so overwhelming. At one point I was suicidal and, but then I said, no, I can’t kill myself and then leave my kids. That thought led to, oh well I’ll have to take them with me. And then it was just like, I can’t do that.

Like I can’t even stand the sight of my own blood. So I couldn’t kill them. I told my sister who’s a therapist and she had just finished her masters and she told me, it’s not that you want to die, you just want the pain to stop. 

If it wasn’t for my sister, I don’t think I could be here today because I didn’t have the skills to handle the amount of stress and loneliness and frustration and the heartbreak that comes with that. Then having to feed my kids and take them to school.

My ex-husband is a master manipulator so he had turned the whole village against us (or against me). And all of a sudden, even though he was the one having affairs, everyone thought that I was trying to take their ugly husbands. I didn’t want any of those men. They all looked awful. 

All of a sudden I’m supposed to be this vixen, even though he’s having affairs. I was ostracized because I was the only black person in the whole village. Everyone stared at me because everyone knew my business because I was the only black lady there. So when they’re saying that Peter and Omega have been doing X, Y and Z, they knew exactly who they’re talking about. It’s always me.

So we had lived in that village for, I dunno, three years and all of a sudden all the friendships and relationships that I had built with these people were gone. Not a single person stayed my friend with the exception of this one friend. 

She was American and she was Mormon and so she was very religious. Even though I’m not Mormon, we just connected on a level of faith that’s eternal. Because she had had a bunch of miscarriages and she so desperately wanted children. She now has four boys after not having any kids. Now she has all these boys and so she’s in this house full of men. But because her faith was as strong as mine is she kept me afloat with hugs and home-cooked meals and a sisterhood if you will.

 

Dee: So you had this awful experience going on at home. You had so many things that were going against you. You are trying to provide for your kids and I can’t imagine the stress and you said you suicidal at one point. How did you manage to heal from that?

 

Omega: Well, fast forward to, cause the story gets even crazier. I got out of with the kids and I moved to Korea. He then said that I kidnapped the kids even though he had not been paying child support; no alimony, no nothing. He claimed that I kidnapped the kids. So I had to take the kids to Los Angeles where he promised that we could get a divorce.

The judge said, yes, you’ve kidnapped the kids, but you did it lawfully. The children have to go back to Germany. I told him I cannot take them to Germany because I’m homeless. I have no income. I have nothing there. So the judge sent the children back and I stayed in Los Angeles. 

And so for the last seven years, I haven’t had my children. I moved to Tokyo where I got a job teaching music and I met my last ex-boyfriend. He was a designer and we started getting into metaphysics, which is the idea that you are responsible for your whole life. That the choices you make, the life that you create is yours to create. And that anything you go through is what you chose to go through.

You don’t have to go through anything. You don’t have to do anything, but everything you do has consequences and you make those consequences. It was being with him that I had the opportunity to kind of piece together my responsibility in this; that either it was better to die, a slow, miserable, painful death or I can live a good life. 

Then with my name being Omega Bone, he was like, that’s a book. That’s a comic book. We have to make you a superhero. And so we started working on a graphic novel and I started studying how metaphysics works with graphic novels- that you tell the story you want to happen. It can happen that if you, in a sense, journal or script the life that you want, that’s the life that will happen.

And the more energy put into that story gives the story more strength. So if you publish the graphic novel, many people will read it and then each time it’s read, it gets more power and it gets more energy. So I started working on the graphic novel with him where I was a superhero singing spy and I’m travelling the world and singing and having beautiful romances and seeing beautiful places. 

But because it’s so airy-fairy and not as tangible as I would like to be, I started working on a novel to support the graphic novel where I tell the real truth about what happened and how I got through it. Because I’m a musician, it didn’t make sense not to write an album so I’ve just finished eight of the nine songs and I would say 75% of the novel and about 50% of the graphic novel is done.

Hopefully, I’ll have everything composed by the end of the year and in the cathartic process of writing the fantasy- the truth and the heart, I’ve been able to not be so sad about the depths of my despair. I can really take a step back and examine what I did and how I ended up where I was and how I could’ve made better choices in picking a mate, how I could have avoided some of the problems once I realized there were problems.

But ultimately just like my crush on Richard, had I not gone through that, I wouldn’t be in China now at a really beautiful school, living the life that I really, really wanted to have.

 

What To Do When Moving To Another Country Leads To Abuse, Adultery And Divorce 4

 

Dee: Wow. You have definitely gone through some stuff and done some unbelievable things in your life. And with all that you’ve gone through, what has been the most important lesson you’ve had to learn from your life? 

 

Omega: Okay. So just to be very clear about what I want, who I am and where I’m going. Right now my life is perfect, save having a partner to share it with. Now that my ex-husband has set up shop in New York, we’ve been in court and we have a proper divorce. I have proper visitation rights and everything is in order, and he can’t keep the kids from me anymore. So I have a regular relationship with my children now. 

I have a great job. I love to travel. I have too much travel actually now. I’m just constantly like I always have two or three trips booked now. This is the life that I want. So the lesson is to be very clear about what I want and in that clarity, the universe will provide. 

 

Dee: So what hopes do you have for you and your children in the future? 

 

Omega: That I can go on tour with my daughter. She’s a great piano player and a good singer and she’s going to music high school next year and I would love to be on tour with them. My son likes design and engineering and putting things together or taking things apart.

So for him to be on the road with us, maybe doing media and my daughter playing the piano and we’re writing songs together, that’s the wish for my life and the promise for my life.

 

Dee: So for all the women out there who are listening to your story right now, and they’ve probably been through what you’ve been through, something similar, something vastly different, and they’re listening to this podcast episode now, years from now, decades from now, is there any wisdom you’d want to pass on to them? What would you want them to know? 

 

Omega: To be thankful for everything we go through. That every challenge is an opportunity to grow. That just as a rose needs the sun, it also needs the rain. It also needs dirt. It also needs the bugs. That everything makes up our beautiful life and not to discount anything; that it’s all something to be thankful for. 

 

Dee: I love how you say that everything we go through is an opportunity to learn something new. That is so important. So many of us, we go through so many things and we just see it in most trials or failures or shortcomings and roadblocks, but we don’t see the message that is hidden in the midst of a situation and you are so right.

Thank you so much. So where can our listeners connect with you even further online? 

 

Omega: Well I have a website, omega bone.com where I give voice lessons to amateur and beginning singers. I give coaching lessons to professionals as well. I have a YouTube channel that currently has over a million views and almost 7,000 subscribers. So my YouTube channel is OmegaBone.Com all spelt out. 

 

Dee: I’ll definitely be sure to add all the information in the show notes. Thank you so much Omega for coming on and for sharing your story. I am sure you have definitely helped some woman out there who needed to hear what you had to say today. 

 

Omega: Thank you so much for letting me share my story. I appreciate it. 

 

Dee: You are so, so welcome. I just love hearing stories from different women. I love getting to know each person and understanding what they’ve gone through, the hope that they have for their future and the kind of life that they’re still able to build regardless of what they have been through.

For all of you women out there listening, just remember every single situation you have ever gone through whether good, bad, happy, sad, whatever it has been, is not just a situation.

It’s not just a roadblock. It is not just a failure. It is not just a setback. It is a chance to learn something new and to be better than you were the day before. 

 

Omega: Yes, yes. 

 

Dee: This is Dee and you have been listening to She Is A Mess.

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